Now Let's Get Down To Business...Bitches

WTF is going on? I got about .5 hours of sleep last night...I was tired as fuck, yet couldn't manage to go to sleep. I got off of work at about 1:30 a.m., and managed to walk back in the fucking door at about 5:30 a.m. When 4:50 rolled around, and I was still awake I knew it would be a mistake to lay back down and try again...I would have managed to fall into a deep sleep and not get to work on time. That would have been classic...classic in the sense that when people referred to my employment for this company, they'd have to talk about it in past tense.

X-Mas is coming up and I have not a single clue what to get for anyone. I have no idea what I want either. I've always paid lip service and gave the standard answer, "nothing", when grilled about it. This time I mean it. I don't need anything, and I don't want for much, so that leaves me telling people not to buy me anything. I know they think it's bullshit, in the past it has been...this time I'm serious.

I still want to show the people that I care about that I appreciate them...and as I'm usually not very adept at telling people, I can SHOW them by throwing them a bone. Whatever ends up happening, I just want it to be over with.

By the way, I'm about to celebrate the one year anniversary of my employment here. Amazing I haven't fucked up a really good gig yet.

That was easy...

The funeral came and nothing noteworthy happened. All in all I guess I'm glad I went, Mom needed all the support she could get.

Been doing a good job of working out and watching what I eat, although I secretly suspect my brother is trying to undermine my attempts. As I type this he has a cookie (not just any cookie, THE cookie) placed in my line of sight trying to get me to eat the motherfucker. If he keeps that shit up, I'll eat him in lieu of the baked delight.

For the most part my world has been uneventful, and I mean that. I've had real trouble getting out of bed lately. Last week I hardly went to class, slept most of the day away, and generally didn't feel like doing a goddamned thing, so I didn't. That shit HAS to stop. It gets easier and easier each time I do it, and I'm pretty sure the converse would be true if I just tried it. Fuck, I dunno.

Funerals

My uncle died late last week. The family is holding services for him Monday. I feel guilty that I'm not profoundly moved or affected by the sudden passing of a family member. Truth be told, if it weren't for my Mother and Grandmother, I wouldn't even attend. It's selfish, and I shouldn't even utter the words, but Mondays are the only day of the week when I don't have to do anything at all. No school, no work...no responsibility in general...and secretly I'm pissed that someone had the "nerve" to intrude on that sacred day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not proud that I'm thinking that way, but that's the way I'm thinking. I should be shot, only I don't want to fuck up anyone else's Monday.

So Yeah...

I'm one counterfeit motherfucker. I'm faked my way through everything my entire life. My academic career is laughable. I fake that too. I mean, I go...sometimes. My grades usually suck, I barely study, and I picked a major without much thought or reflection. The course of study sounded easy enough and I figured I could "common sense" most of it. So far so good. I should have graduated...twice...by now. But I just keep stringing it along. First sort of by accident, then by design, now it's not so much that I string it out, there is just so much left to complete.

I have a good job. I kind of got it by default. I'm just the best of what's available. Or was. There is at least one other person here (someone I hired by the way) that could easily, and probably more effectively do my job. I fake my job too. Everyday I work, I do just enough to get by. This includes pretty much everything I'm supposed to do, but I could take a little more initiative I suppose. I do take initiative, but probably not enough.

Back to the theme. I always seem to take the road more traveled, the easy path, the "sure (er) thing". If I make it through school (and lately that "IF" has seemed to get bigger and bigger), I already plan on not interviewing, not exploring career options, and "settling" for the job that I already have. It's a good gig, the problem being where I am located. It's depressing. The place is poverty stricken, desolate, and basically demoralizing. I'm pessimistic by nature, (I like to think I'm more realistic, but others have assured me that I'm in fact a pessimist) so the combination of my build with being here equals roughly misery.

I'm a decent human. I'm kind (enough) to animals, and good to old people. I don't intentionally cause harm to others, and I have a genuine respect for God and Country. I'm still a scumbag, by my standards. I covet, envy, have impure thoughts, gamble for pleasure, sometimes drink to excess, curse, and a laundry list of other "offenses". Again, I don't hurt anyone (but myself), so I rationalize and justify until I'm comfortable with the outcome.

I have a hard time saying that I'm displeased with my place in life (although I am) simply because I don't do nearly enough to change it. Sure, I go to school full-time. Sure, I work full-time. Sure, I pay my bills. Sure, I'm knocking down past debts (from a time when I was actually LESS responsible than I am now, which is hard to believe). But all in all, I don't do nearly enough to change my future for the better.

I spend far too much time sleeping, fucking around on the internet, and playing video games to be as productive as I could/should be. I hate myself for it, and everyday I vow to change, only to hit the snooze button, or read mindless bullshit on the computer until four in the a.m. I know it's counter-productive, but it's the cycle in which I participate.

So my best friend calls me up last night. It's about 15 til 2 my time and I'm still at work. First he cusses me for answering the phone so late. He's a drunk dialer (as am I) and has warned me repeatedly not to accept his phone calls in the late hour (simply because I should be sleeping and not putting up with drunken babble) which I guess is pretty considerate for an asshole. After he finally got the point that I was awake, at work, and shouldn't be sleeping, he laid off. Then he decided it was a good idea to jump me about my lack of self-esteem, the fact that I doubt my abilities, and my general poor self-image. It's a strange way to give someone a boost, admittedly, but it works for us. He then told me that we would take over the world, somehow, he just hadn't quite gotten the logistics worked out. He cussed me some more and finally got me to agree that we were going to do "big things" and settling for being decent humans and "middle class" wasn't good enough. I agree. I need to set some higher standards, and more importantly I need to follow through with actions that will help be attain those goals and reach those standards.

I really think I need to work for myself. I'm disciplined enough to get up and go to work, that's what lets me afford stupid shit like drinking, computers and the net, video games, etc. There isn't anyone in the world (unless Eva Mendes counts) that I'd rather go into a business venture with, I'm just a fucking pussy. I'm scared to fail, and therefore scared to try. He isn't, and that's part of what makes us great friends, and I think possibly successful entrepreneurs. We complement one another. Where I'm weak he is strong, and vice-versa.

The whole reason I even started this fucking "blog"...(Jesus, the world "blog" is just gay) was because I walked outside of the building I work in, looked over the "skyline" of this miserable little town and was purely disgusted. The place it's located in is quaint and pure, but it makes me physically ill to think about being here for an extended amount of time. The sad part? I probably will be here for an extended amount of time simply because it's "safe" and "familiar".