Hey College Fuck, Wise Up...
If you’ve been in college, or on a college campus in the last 5 or so years, this list is probably a little too familiar. I doubt that anyone shares my sentiments, but I’d like to give my perceptions of the top 10 people that I hate on campus.
1. Catch-You-Up-On-Previous-Night’s-Events Girl- “Oh my God! Last night I drank like 4 shots of Apple Pucker and was soooooooo WASTED! Then I was the recipient of a 14 guy train. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry. I took like 15 RU-486 pills, and had my unsuspecting boyfriend punch me in the stomach for good measure!” Simply, no one gives a shit that you’re a lightweight, or a whore. I hope you get AIDS.
2. Hair Product Guy- Self explanatory. Everyone wants to look their best, but this douche takes it to an extreme. I hope your follicles are exposed to an open flame.
3. State-The-Obvious Guy/Girl- Prof. asks simple question, “smart” student consults book or lecture notes, and promptly answers question. I hope you go blind.
4. Ipod Guy- Look fuckface, no one cares what you’re listening to. So why not turn the volume down to a level at which you can actually hear the music/lyrics without suffering through the distortion. If I wanted to listen to your shitty music, I’d ask. I hope your eardrums rupture.
5. Wristband Guy- Everyone supports some cause. It may be beating cancer, it may be beating heart disease, or it may be beating women. The problem I have with this schmuck is that he feels the need to display the causes all at the same time. Are your wrists cold? Is that why you need 3+ on each wrist at all times? I hope your hands are severed from your arms so that nothing is left to hold them.
6. Sweatband Guy- Did I miss something? Are basketball games and other athletic endeavors prone to just breaking out at random? Perhaps sometime back you were privy to this happening and didn’t have your equipment with you? Did that leave you feeling inadequate and therefore unable to participate? You’re wearing a polo shirt, flip-flops, and jeans, but as long as you have your sweatbands on your middle arm, you’re good to go. Is that it? I hope you accidentally get that thing around your neck and hang yourself.
7. Cell-Phone Girl- Two prefaces here. I realize that we live in the technological age, and I’m just as happy with the conveniences as anyone. Also, I understand this isn’t necessarily exclusive to college, but because of the saturation on campus we’ll treat it as such. I’d love to know how you got to be so important at such a young age. Why can’t you take (or make) a phone call with some hint of privacy? Just like Ipod Guy, no one gives a blue fuck who you’re talkin’ to, what you’re talkin’ about, or why you’re talkin’ to them. I guess you were so advanced at such an early age that you skipped kindergarten and the instruction on using “inside voices”. I hope you get larynx cancer.
8. Trendy-Book-Reading Girl- I know you’re really smart, really cultured, and really that much better than the rest of us. I understand that none of us are even qualified to serve as your underling. I also understand that flashing your copy of “Super Duper Popular Poignant and Insightful” by “Miss No-Talent Hole” is pretentious and annoying. I hope you get a paper-cut on your retinas.
9. I-Can’t-Let-Go-Of-High-School Guy- It’s okay to wear the 10,000 t-shirts you gathered in those 4 years. It’s okay to check the newspaper to see how they did in the big game last night. It’s even okay to wear your class ring for the first week of college until you figure out that the majority of people with the standard number of chromosomes aren’t wearing theirs. However, it is NOT OKAY to wear your letter jacket. I don’t give a shit how cold it is outside. You should risk hypothermia by not wearing a jacket at all before you commit this atrocity. I hope that jacket spontaneously combusts with you in it.
10. Myself- If you knew me, you would too. I hope I get sexed to death by this woman.
1. Catch-You-Up-On-Previous-Night’s-Events Girl- “Oh my God! Last night I drank like 4 shots of Apple Pucker and was soooooooo WASTED! Then I was the recipient of a 14 guy train. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry. I took like 15 RU-486 pills, and had my unsuspecting boyfriend punch me in the stomach for good measure!” Simply, no one gives a shit that you’re a lightweight, or a whore. I hope you get AIDS.
2. Hair Product Guy- Self explanatory. Everyone wants to look their best, but this douche takes it to an extreme. I hope your follicles are exposed to an open flame.
3. State-The-Obvious Guy/Girl- Prof. asks simple question, “smart” student consults book or lecture notes, and promptly answers question. I hope you go blind.
4. Ipod Guy- Look fuckface, no one cares what you’re listening to. So why not turn the volume down to a level at which you can actually hear the music/lyrics without suffering through the distortion. If I wanted to listen to your shitty music, I’d ask. I hope your eardrums rupture.
5. Wristband Guy- Everyone supports some cause. It may be beating cancer, it may be beating heart disease, or it may be beating women. The problem I have with this schmuck is that he feels the need to display the causes all at the same time. Are your wrists cold? Is that why you need 3+ on each wrist at all times? I hope your hands are severed from your arms so that nothing is left to hold them.
6. Sweatband Guy- Did I miss something? Are basketball games and other athletic endeavors prone to just breaking out at random? Perhaps sometime back you were privy to this happening and didn’t have your equipment with you? Did that leave you feeling inadequate and therefore unable to participate? You’re wearing a polo shirt, flip-flops, and jeans, but as long as you have your sweatbands on your middle arm, you’re good to go. Is that it? I hope you accidentally get that thing around your neck and hang yourself.
7. Cell-Phone Girl- Two prefaces here. I realize that we live in the technological age, and I’m just as happy with the conveniences as anyone. Also, I understand this isn’t necessarily exclusive to college, but because of the saturation on campus we’ll treat it as such. I’d love to know how you got to be so important at such a young age. Why can’t you take (or make) a phone call with some hint of privacy? Just like Ipod Guy, no one gives a blue fuck who you’re talkin’ to, what you’re talkin’ about, or why you’re talkin’ to them. I guess you were so advanced at such an early age that you skipped kindergarten and the instruction on using “inside voices”. I hope you get larynx cancer.
8. Trendy-Book-Reading Girl- I know you’re really smart, really cultured, and really that much better than the rest of us. I understand that none of us are even qualified to serve as your underling. I also understand that flashing your copy of “Super Duper Popular Poignant and Insightful” by “Miss No-Talent Hole” is pretentious and annoying. I hope you get a paper-cut on your retinas.
9. I-Can’t-Let-Go-Of-High-School Guy- It’s okay to wear the 10,000 t-shirts you gathered in those 4 years. It’s okay to check the newspaper to see how they did in the big game last night. It’s even okay to wear your class ring for the first week of college until you figure out that the majority of people with the standard number of chromosomes aren’t wearing theirs. However, it is NOT OKAY to wear your letter jacket. I don’t give a shit how cold it is outside. You should risk hypothermia by not wearing a jacket at all before you commit this atrocity. I hope that jacket spontaneously combusts with you in it.
10. Myself- If you knew me, you would too. I hope I get sexed to death by this woman.
posted by Mike at 11:04 AM
4 Comments:
Great post. You probably wished the worst on yourself. Sure she's purty, but she works at MTV, which probably means on top of the billion or so there before you, she works at MTV.
Ah, scumbag! You left one out! I know you know what I'm talking about. The counter-culture wannabe crazies that
rebel against corporate culture while they prepare for life as a corporate drone.
I hope I articulated that well enough. Now where are my many sweatbands?
Actually, getting sexed to death was supposed to be punishment for HER. Working at MTV is an unforgivable sin, and the most fitting punishment (not to mention the most humiliating) is sex with me.
Maybe once you become an ex-college grad, you can use your multiple associate degrees to update this blog. Associate degrees are the good ones, right?
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